To be fine in 09

Endless lists of resolutions, promises, bets and reasons to be a better person this year. Why do we need a date to motivate us to be better, healthier, smarter, more sensitive, less angry, or just different? So in the middle of July I'm less likely to quit smoking than on Jan 1?

I want to start a movement this year, it's the "i'm fine in 09" tag. Forget the resolutions, forget the need to quit smoking, work out more, wake up early, stop swearing, no more chocolate at 2 AM, the five drink maximum, the one night stands without knowing her name or porn that has farm animals in it. Anytime the urge comes across where you feel you need to quit or do something to better yourself, you just say "I'm fine in 09".

Okay, in full disclosure, I have to admit that I chose to give up smoking on New Year's Eve. Not as a resolution or because of the new year, but because I started smoking for all the wrong reasons and quitting was more of a metaphorical release of demons than the actual cancerous ones. So prior to midnight, I wasn't snuggled up to someone pretty who was all dressed up and waiting for the kiss of the year, don't get me wrong if someone was pretty enough and dressed up and waiting for the kiss of the year from me I wouldn't have been outside chain smoking as if it was my last cigarette.

Actually it was my last cigarette. Outside of it being New Years Eve, it was also my birthday, so the non-sensical reasons were all too strong for me to quit. I bought a fresh pack earlier that night with full intentions to inhale all of them by midnight. That's one pack in a matter of four hours. I prepared my lungs earlier in the day by trying to run a few miles and working out, midway between getting my shorts on and Ipod songs lined up I realized that I haven't checked my mail in a few days, so before I headed out to the gym I took a short walk to the mailbox, well since I was that close to the front door, why not have a cigarette. Here I was in 20 degree weather outside my building with gym shorts and a sweatshirt on, but as smokers are all to familiar with, the cold, wind or snow was no match for each puff that ended in the obligatory flash of faintness. Ahh, the feeling. It was so good, I had another.

After two cigarettes in freezing weather, I sat on the couch to warm up before my planned lung exercises. The warming up became lying down and quickly ended up being a three hour nap.

The faint screams of Happy New Year echoed throughout the city and from apt buildings, looking into the bar I saw happy faces, long kisses and embraces that should've been filmed in slow motion with an Air Supply love song played in the background - or maybe filmed as a dream sequence? But there I was, outside, to say I was alone wouldn't be accurate. Yes, I didn't have a person with me, but I had my vice, my outlet and on occasions, my reason for being - it was me and my Marlboro Lights. The kisses stopped, the Happy New Year screams were now fewer and far between, the funny hats were taken off and the reality of a new year set in.

I got home around 2:30 AM, no late night calls or texts to friends (another vice I need to give up), no foraging for food, no night cap, just me standing over my sink with a half pack of cigarettes. I filled the box up with water and flushed the cigarettes down the disposal.

I went to bed whispering - "I'm fine in 09".