Boundless

Everything has some kind of wall or preventative control factor. We live in a world of standards and process, of being in control and having all the control. We freak out when this control is lost or the order of what we think is right goes awry. We like boundaries.

At some point, you have to look at these boundaries in a different lens. Is this proverbial grey area holding people out or keeping me in? If you look at your boundaries you'll realize you set them so you can have control, so you can prevent others from changing your natural order of things. Because chaos is the fear that keeps those walls up. So we create them to fence us in.

Life is a box of chocolates...In fact its the annoying sampler box that no one really likes and is always regifted. It doesn't have the chart on what each candy is and after a few days all the chocolates are still left in the box but with slight holes and tears from people trying to find a flavor they like. It becomes a mess, a failure. So we set the boundaries. We build lines because life is messy. That's how we are made.

Kids hide under their blankets at night pretending there's a magical forcefield that protects them from the monsters. As long as no skin is exposed, the monster can't get to them. They tug all corners of the blanket to ensure full coverage, they set the perimeters to lock them under. They set their boundary of protection, of security. As adults we carry the same blanket as we did as a kid. We throw this blanket on when we suspect that a monster is after us. Whether it is a work security blanket that prevents us from taking that risk or a personal security blanket that tells you that emotionally its right but fundamentally its wrong. We throw this blanket over us and set our boundary to keep us in but not to face what's on the outside.

And at the end of the day we all claim that our boundaries really aren't boundaries at all. We hide behind the lines and scream that there are no lines. Now isn't that a funny thing? When our own boundaries turn up not what we expect we just blame it on faith. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be just a bit off than how you envisioned. The big castle in the sky, well, it may not be a castle at all. And the happy ever after, just that its happy right now. You see, every now and then we get a curve thrown at us and instead of fighting the change or complaining that it isn't what we expected or hoped it'd be we should see it for what it is. Because once in a while, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away. And isn't that something you don't want to set a boundary for?

Maybe we like the walls and the pain we get when these walls hold us back? Maybe we're wired for it. Because without it, I don't know, maybe we just wouldn't feel real. There's a saying that goes "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."

So before we build more lines and walls, lets think about the things we want to keep inside and trapped with us. If we do, then we may realize there are more lines worth crossing and more walls worth tearing down than is necessary. And those monsters we hide under the blanket from...expose yourself to them and you'll realize those monsters aren't so scary afterall.

All The Little Things

We are material people living in a material world. The type of car you drive, the name of the jeans on your ass, the tag that screams "I was very expensive and the world needs to acknowledge it" or the color of your headphones. Face it, we love to have people recognize things we have.

In fact, even packaging has gone materialistic. You know what the baby blue box with white ribbon is from or the deep red box, it screams the name and before she opens it up she already is filled with emotion and screaming. The box! That's all it took.

What ever happened to all the little things? What ever happened to the thought that counts? We've lost the art of letter writing, in fact I'm living proof right now while writing this that even I have forgotten about the little things. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone? Our worlds are built on speed to respond and less words. You can probably type in C U Latr better than See You Later. What happened to the days of calling someone and talking to them on the phone. Our mouths are in our finger tips now. We've lost the sensitivity of speech and the power our voice has and replaced with the tone of a keypad as our oratory means.

The little things...

It's the smile you get when you don't ask or deserve it. It's the note that remembers a specific date that has escaped your mind. It's the purposeful act of dressing a certain way because she knows you like it. It's the midday hello in a day that never ends. It's the song list that says "I was thinking about you". It's the looking forward to the next time.

It's easy for someone to walk into a store and drop a lot of money on something that may elicit a scream, a hug and even something more. But that feeling will leave and the remnants of the gift will only be remembered as a message of materialism. But the thought it took for the little things will last forever.

Some will argue that getting an iphone loaded with all their favorite songs and movies on it is a sweet gift, I will argue that getting the lyrics to a song that reminds them of you is inspiring, because no one will think of that person every time they turn the iphone on, but they will every time they hear that song.

Think about someone you're with or like, think about how many little things you know about them, the small things that may seem irrelevant. Then do something that shows that you remembered them. Then you'll see what I mean. Because isn't it a bunch of little things that add up to a big thing?

At the moment of truth

I've read that at the moment of an accident the most common phrase said is "oh shit". Think about it, if something suddenly falls on you, someone scares you, you trip, anything that disturbs your natural intention?

Kind've sad when you think about it. I would like to think that if I was about to face certain death, the last things out of my mouth wouldn't be "oh shit", there are so many other things that I would like to say or scream, but our natural reaction is to react to the immediate.

But what if you knew about the impending "oh shit" moment? What would you say? Or what if you knew that someone was about to go through that moment, what would you say to them?

We all live through life saying what is necessary to get by. If someone is mad, we say what we can to lighten up the anger and when we hit a boiling point we often ask "tell me what you want me to say and I'll say it". We know what we need to say but want that argument to end so fast that we succumb to telling them what they want to hear.

A very dear friend passed away this weekend. Our relationship hit every corner of the grid. Like with many friendships that get closer, we also became closer. At one point she used the often said and seldom true phrase - soulmates. For a few years we thought we had it all, we travelled, we laughed, we cried and we even dreamed about a tomorrow together. Then it started to unravel. We tried to make it work, we pushed the boulder up the mountain because we thought we could. We ignored the obviously signs and issues. We let the flame burn out.

For close to a year we played a vicious game of "I'm not gonna call you". With each other we erased the idea of the other, but to our friends we could never stop speaking of the other.

"The song came and went

Like the times we spent

Hiding out from the rain

Under the carnival tent

I laughed and she smiled

It would last for a while

You don't know what you got

Til you lose it all again"

She was coming home. We started talking again. We never could stop talking. The conversation picked up exactly where it left off. The dreams were fresh and new as if they were just put on pause and reassumed playing.

She wanted to start over. She wanted to prove that this time could work. She was the next state over and forced the issue to get together. Tidal waves of emotions set in. Could it be what we dreamt it to be? Or would it just be a band aid to what will never be fixed?

"Don't you worry about the distance

I'm right there if you get lonely

Give this song another listen

Close your eyes

Listen to my voice its my disguise"

Plans were made to see each other and each plan was changed. She wanted to spend her birtday with me in Boston (Jan 17), she wanted to come up for Valentines Day, more and more dates were set, none were fulfilled.

Then last weekend it happened. The "oh shit" moment.

Erin Fay was in a tragic car accident.

I was by her bedside in the last few days after the accident and finally said the things that she's always wanted to hear. Finally came to truths to the good and bad about what we had. But if we had only said this to each other years ago when it was more relevant.

"You’re in my arms

And all the world is calm

The music playing on for only two

So close together

And when I’m with you

So close to feeling alive

A life goes by

Romantic dreams will stop

So I bid mine goodbye and never knew

So close was waiting, waiting here with you

And now forever I know

All that I wanted to hold you

So close

So close to reaching that famous happy ending

Almost believing this was not pretend

And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come

So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days

If I should lose you now?

We’re so close

To reaching that famous happy ending

Almost believing this was not pretend

Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are

So close

So close

And still so far...................."

Erin, today your friends and family will say goodbye and I love you another time, some will say it for the last time. They will remember your spirit, laughter and life. For years I was there for you when you needed me, for comfort, for a shoulder, for the hug that made you feel so secure.

So before I say good bye one more time, before this moment of truth, I don't want to say "oh shit". I want you to know that your wind and light found a way to breakthrough the most fortified of defenses...me. And now that your light flickers on and off, know that you did everything the way you wanted to. You were you. No compromise, no fault, no regrets.

Now its your turn to watch over me, to be there in my times of weakness, to help me up when I fall, to kick me when I need motivation, to walk next to me to avoid having a lonely shadow.

"And I will take with me the memories

To be the sunshine after the rain

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday"

At this moment of truth....I've said the things that should've been said.