Dear Recruiter

To Whom It May Concern

This letter is to inform you of my intense interest and unqualified experience to be part of your top notch staff. Watching the national "beer summit" the other day when our President invited the Cambridge Police Officer and Harvard Professor to the White House Rose garden for an afternoon beer and snacks to discuss issues and try to calm the public down over this recent race furor made it very clear to me that you have a gaping hole in your execution.

While watching this historic event, I realized that the gentleman serving the frosty beverages lacked some common "service" must haves during his delivery of the product. Understanding that the pressures of being the man between the President and Vice President and their beer is probably one of the most stressful jobs under the administration, slightly above the guy holding the suitcase with the "codes" and below the guy that has Obama's cigarettes. So it isn't without any understanding of the pressure that I write to offer my services.

Why am I qualified?

First, its knowledge of the surroundings and comfort level. If you noticed, the plates of snacks were placed randomly making it uncomfortable for the President and Vice President to have unhindered access to the salty snack. They had to reach across the table at times crossing over a table guest to get that delectable little crunch. Then there were the glasses, everyone likes a frosty mug with their beer, but in a very warm summer day in DC, the frosty mug quickly becomes a water dripping mug. I'm sure the President wasn't heading up to help his kids with homework after the beer summit so to have ice water drippage all over his shirt and lap was probably not too presidential.

Those intangibles is what makes my qualifications a fit to be the official beer guy for the White House. My references include "Ted" whose real name has to be kept anonymous due to his current residence at an alcohol treatment center. "Ted" will attest that for more than 10 years, his glass was never less than half full and when the time came to celebrate, he never celebrated with a shot alone, I gave him three shots instead. Then there's Kathy who got a bit belligerent when she drank so instead of depriving her of her favorite outlet, I gave her a job behind the bar so she could continue to drink while being separated from sitting right next to the customers. Those are just a few examples of my problem solving skills.

Other skills I can offer the President in this role is the ability to correctly identify the type of beer, year it was brewed and which snack compliments it with one simple sip. This comes in handy if someone offers him a glass of beer without prior knowledge of the bottle or tap it came from. My tasting skills will be able to advise him on the type of beer it is and that first sip will also serve as a security measure to ensure that the beer was not tainted. Win win.

Additionally, topics such as North Korea, TARP and health care reform may not be the right topics over beer and chex mix. My uncanny knowledge of anything non-relevant can serve as an information resource to the commander. What would happen if the President encountered a TV sitcom conversation while enjoying his Blue Moon? Easy, the Facts of Life ran from 1979 - 1988 and was a spin off of the popular show Different Strokes.

So as you can see, the job of head beer server at the White House goes beyond the tray and coaster, but delves deep into cultural knowledge as well as the ability to think quickly given any situation. I liken it to the job the President has, some of his decisions are swift and must be dealt with to precise detail, if we were to run out of cashews the responsibility is on me to decide if we go with walnuts or pecans. A bad nut can be the downfall of the day.

I hope you find my expertise to your liking and I look forward to hearing from you and the chance to prove my value with such a major cog in the American machine.

Victor