I'm a gambler by blood.
I grew up around it. I grew up learning that I shouldn't pay full price for anything but I should try to gamble and win it. I learned the fastest way to get something is to risk it all. The sweet smell of success and the power of the adrenaline was too big to stifle. I needed more. I wanted it all. There was nothing that I wouldn't gamble on. I would bet friends that one pigeon would fly away before another one. I'll bet that one cloud would dissipate before the other. I'll bet that a women would walk out of a store before a man. Anything, I would put odds on it.
As an adult with disposable income and time to burn, this addiction now lives beyond the blood. It's the air I breathe. The flash of thought on winning something creates a palpating rhythm that echos through my soul. Beads of sweat with the sweet smell of adrenaline.
But now it's not limited to games or trivial daily happenings. It's personal. I'm playing with funds that can't be counted. I'm losing more than pride and ego. But if I win... It's a euphoria that if bottled up would make the cocaine game in the 80's look like a Tic Tac party.
22! "Winner winner chicken dinner!"
I'm not up but the wind is blowing in my direction. I can feel it now. It's looking good. Breathe. Don't change anything that I've done to get to this win. Think the same thoughts, say the same words, look at the same things, don't fuck with the juju. Oh damn, my ass itches. Don't scratch! It's a test, it's a cosmic detour to take me off the winning path. BOOM! 31! Two for two. Who's the big winner with two thumbs? This guy is. People are envious of me. That hot chick with the sequin dress, legs that run longer than a Kenyan and eyes that would make an ice cube commit suicide in a pot of boiling water, she's looking at me now. Yeah that's right, I'm the man now. I'm the winner. Where were you when I only had the one dollar chips in front of me? Fuck you then. Keep staring. I'm not messing with this streak.
All eyes on me. Hugh fucking Hefner could walk by me with the greatest hits of centerfolds all dressed in a whip cream bikini and I'd still be the center of attention. Yeah this guy with the jeans that is ripe with the smell of loserville, the t-shirt that is screaming "let me go, I'm too small and can't breathe" and the hair that's supposed to have the bed head look but should be a bang my head against a bed look. But I'm the hot ticket right now. I could have an old Atari t-shirt on with crumbs from last nights grilled cheese and snot stains on it matched with beige capri's and a hat with two budweisers attached to both sides and I'd considered a trend-setter at this point. That's what winning does to a person.
Knowing when to walk away is the hardest thing to do in life. We are wired to be gluttons for punishment. We continue to pound our heads against concrete walls because it feels so good when we finally stop. We shoot for stars in hopes to lay with the Gods and throw out the consequence of the fall. Our emotions tell us we can. Our dreams tell us it can be real. Our mind tells us we're strong enough.
Then it crashes. We fall. After a high so high, there's no parachute that can brace this fall. Life happens in slow motion as you plummet. Just a minute ago you were so high you were looking down at the sky. Now the ground is coming at you at a rate that you can't even fathom or think straight about.
Close your eyes...
Brace yourself...
You'll live...
The roulette table is now empty, I've given it more time than I should've. I'm no longer the popular guy. I'm just the guy that didn't know when to walk away. My high stakes bets are now petty attempts to put something in my pocket. There's no winning here. My juju is gone. I've scratched the itch. I've done the impossible and gave it all back. So I walk away finally with my head down with not even enough money to tip the waitress for a bottle of water so I use the water fountain, who uses a water fountain these days, losers do.
This was not about roulette. This was not about being a junkie addicted to the thrill of victory. This was about life. The risk reward. The high and low. The winning and the losing. The hedging your bets and protecting your interests. The being happy with what you have. The downfall of greed and the highs of the moment.
We're all hooked one way or another. We will lose more than we win. We bounce back. We hope for more. Even a broken watch is right twice a day. It's a matter of looking for the time when the time is right.
