Thank You Eva Mendes and Rashida Jones

Forget about the long lines at the supermarket, the traffic, lines at airports, screaming kids, puking kids, annoying kids, mom asking you when you're gonna make her a grandparent, mom asking you when you're gonna get married, mom asking you when you're gonna get married again, forget about the extra pounds of food fighting against the belt or waist band, forget about the drunk cousins who take things too seriously.  Forget about it all.  Just say thank you.

We often forget to cherish the little things in life when it happens and use Thanksgiving as the day to give one big THANK YOU for all the little things.  I'll admit, I'm the same person.  But I also love the little things, the things that make you smirk in an awry inquisitive type of way.

So the official work week has ended for most, the ovens are warming up, I'm catching up on this weeks X-Factor and 90210 and wanted to say thank you.  But there's so many things to be thankful for, where do I start?

I'll start with the givens.  The friends that put up with my nonsense, stubbornness and at times my mental instability.  The family that put me here, taught me things and didn't give me the "I'm better than everyone" speech but gave me the "screw up your life and I'll kick your ass" speech.  Then there's the health, 10 fingers - check, 10 toes - check, nose, teeth, ears, eyes - check and check, receding hairline - nope, so check, irritable bowel movement - nope, so thank GOD and no zits on my back, so bonus check.

With the basics covered, time to thank all the little things that make me want to wake up every day.  So this year there are a few things I'm very thankful for and others that I'm just medium rare thankful for.

• Having a new job that requires me to laugh, smile and play with toys and games all day
• My new leather couch
• The last few weeks without Kim Kardashian in the news
• The cop last month that didn't pull me over when I was doing 100
• Less Law and Orders and more The New Girl
• New friends becoming old friends, old friends becoming new again and old friends that shouldn't be friends anymore
• My Godson Amias who's growing up every day and now has a baby sister to share his wonderful life with
• My nieces (Ally and Jessie) and nephew (Ben) who aren't afraid to ask for the really really really expensive toys for their birthdays or Xmas
• My extended niece and nephew (Ava and Jacob) who greet me every time I come over like I'm a long lost uncle or maybe it's because I always put money in their piggy bank
• The best mentors that have helped me throughout my career
• New Edition when Bobby Brown was with them
• Romantic comedies that give me hope that one day I may meet "the one" by reaching for the same item at a store, tripping and falling in front of her, buying a puppy, doing the Running Man to a Bon Jovi song or chasing after her on a busy street never getting hit by a car just to make it to the airport and having the ticket agent feel bad about my situation and letting me through the gate while I scream her name as she's about to board all the while with Adele playing in the background
• Eva Mendes (especially when she's doing the Running Man during the credits to Hitch)
• Adults that still think Mr. Potato Head and Elephant toys are fun
• Waking up without an alarm because I'm excited for the day
• Waking up with an alarm because I had an exciting night
• Seal Team Six
• Never having watched one episode of Jersey Shore
• Watching every episode of Glee
• Attending Jernine and Sadoux's wedding and letting me share a dance with Kelly while Brian McKnight sang Stevie Wonder's "Overjoyed" and having Bill Rancic call me a "delicate flower" afterwards (still scarred)
• My Franklin crew, when the Bat signal goes up, we are all there within an hour and Elaina who pours soda into the shot glass when others want to have too much fun
• Rashida Jones
• Late night dance parties to the Backstreet Boys (yeah I said it)
• Never losing my jump shot
• Cool whip after surgery
• My annual New Years Eve / birthday dinner 
• And lastly, I'm thankful for all of you...

Wait, scratch that last one, too cheesy, let's rewind a bit.

And lastly, I'm thankful for pajama jeans, the shake weight, Bieber's paternity suit, Eva Mendes and Rashida Jones (they're so nice I had to thank them twice).

It's a big world full of big things.  Enjoy it, live to tell about it.  Now back to 90210.

Big Bucks No Whammy

13, 22, 31...c'mon 13, 22, 31... "black 8!"... Fuck! Well, double up and try it again...13, 22, 31... Fuck again!

I'm a gambler by blood.

I grew up around it. I grew up learning that I shouldn't pay full price for anything but I should try to gamble and win it. I learned the fastest way to get something is to risk it all. The sweet smell of success and the power of the adrenaline was too big to stifle. I needed more. I wanted it all. There was nothing that I wouldn't gamble on. I would bet friends that one pigeon would fly away before another one. I'll bet that one cloud would dissipate before the other. I'll bet that a women would walk out of a store before a man. Anything, I would put odds on it.

As an adult with disposable income and time to burn, this addiction now lives beyond the blood. It's the air I breathe. The flash of thought on winning something creates a palpating rhythm that echos through my soul. Beads of sweat with the sweet smell of adrenaline.

But now it's not limited to games or trivial daily happenings. It's personal. I'm playing with funds that can't be counted. I'm losing more than pride and ego. But if I win... It's a euphoria that if bottled up would make the cocaine game in the 80's look like a Tic Tac party.

22! "Winner winner chicken dinner!"

I'm not up but the wind is blowing in my direction. I can feel it now. It's looking good. Breathe. Don't change anything that I've done to get to this win. Think the same thoughts, say the same words, look at the same things, don't fuck with the juju. Oh damn, my ass itches. Don't scratch! It's a test, it's a cosmic detour to take me off the winning path. BOOM! 31! Two for two. Who's the big winner with two thumbs? This guy is. People are envious of me. That hot chick with the sequin dress, legs that run longer than a Kenyan and eyes that would make an ice cube commit suicide in a pot of boiling water, she's looking at me now. Yeah that's right, I'm the man now. I'm the winner. Where were you when I only had the one dollar chips in front of me? Fuck you then. Keep staring. I'm not messing with this streak.

All eyes on me. Hugh fucking Hefner could walk by me with the greatest hits of centerfolds all dressed in a whip cream bikini and I'd still be the center of attention. Yeah this guy with the jeans that is ripe with the smell of loserville, the t-shirt that is screaming "let me go, I'm too small and can't breathe" and the hair that's supposed to have the bed head look but should be a bang my head against a bed look. But I'm the hot ticket right now. I could have an old Atari t-shirt on with crumbs from last nights grilled cheese and snot stains on it matched with beige capri's and a hat with two budweisers attached to both sides and I'd considered a trend-setter at this point. That's what winning does to a person.

Knowing when to walk away is the hardest thing to do in life. We are wired to be gluttons for punishment. We continue to pound our heads against concrete walls because it feels so good when we finally stop. We shoot for stars in hopes to lay with the Gods and throw out the consequence of the fall. Our emotions tell us we can. Our dreams tell us it can be real. Our mind tells us we're strong enough.

Then it crashes. We fall. After a high so high, there's no parachute that can brace this fall. Life happens in slow motion as you plummet. Just a minute ago you were so high you were looking down at the sky. Now the ground is coming at you at a rate that you can't even fathom or think straight about.

Close your eyes...

Brace yourself...

You'll live...

The roulette table is now empty, I've given it more time than I should've. I'm no longer the popular guy. I'm just the guy that didn't know when to walk away. My high stakes bets are now petty attempts to put something in my pocket. There's no winning here. My juju is gone. I've scratched the itch. I've done the impossible and gave it all back. So I walk away finally with my head down with not even enough money to tip the waitress for a bottle of water so I use the water fountain, who uses a water fountain these days, losers do.

This was not about roulette. This was not about being a junkie addicted to the thrill of victory. This was about life. The risk reward. The high and low. The winning and the losing. The hedging your bets and protecting your interests. The being happy with what you have. The downfall of greed and the highs of the moment.

We're all hooked one way or another. We will lose more than we win. We bounce back. We hope for more. Even a broken watch is right twice a day. It's a matter of looking for the time when the time is right.

Exhale

Another year, another time to reflect, celebrate, forget or look forward to another one. Before we jump at the opportunity to welcome better times than we had this year, I wanted to share a story from the other night that put perspective on things but more importantly taught me how to exhale...

The other day, I volunteered a full day at a homeless shelter, a man, whom I've seen before at the shelter, walked in to get dinner and as I was cleaning up, I struck a conversation with him. He had a job that the shelter helped him get, he lives in the inner city with his wife and two kids. He said he comes to the shelter every morning before work to get breakfast, they pack him a lunch and comes back at night for dinner before going home. He's not making a ton of money but enough to have a home and food on the table. He said that the money isn't enough to feed the entire family, so he eats at the shelter so he doesn't have to take food from the family. When he gets home, he'll sit at the dinner table with the family and watch them eat while he asks his kids about school and his wife about her day. He tries his best to make a normal situation out of an abnormal circumstance. Then he takes out the Twinkie that was packed into his lunch provided by the shelter and they cut it into four pieces so the family can have dessert together.

Although he compromises his pride and ego to eat three squares a day at a homeless shelter, the return he gets when his two girls smile when they hear the rattle of the Twinkie wrapper in his pocket is worth the trials of his days. That one bite of Twinkie that he gets is his normalcy. It's his only oasis of the day. A college educated man, who used to be in corporate America and now works odd and end jobs as a carpenter, plumber, custodian and dishwasher found peace in a bite of a Twinkie with his family. There was a time they dined at the best restaurants, all the concierge's in Boston knew his name, his cars had heated seats and his furniture were all imported. His wife was a socialite and he wore custom tailored suits. Some would say, that was the life to live. Then it crashed and he lost everything.

There's a line that says "you never know how high you can go until you hit rock bottom". He was so low that he looked up at rock bottom. But he didn't give up, he didn't get depressed nor did he let it show to his family. They sold everything, both got jobs doing anything that kept a roof, food for their kids and clothes on their backs. He said that every night before he goes to bed, he and his wife let out a big exhale. Release. Another day. They never say it could be worse or hate that it is bad. They just exhale...

I'm in no way saying our life's problems are comparable to others. But our perspective may be. I've lived a very fortunate and lucky life that as an adult my worries aren't life-threatening or a matter of survival, but Jerry's story isn't meant to feel bad for him, he hates it when people feel bad for him, he believes that he should earn everything he gets and will work for life's rewards. But in the handful of times I've seen him, he's never down on himself, he always has a smile as if he won the lottery and his courtesy and respect for all people of all paths is his currency. For that, he is rich beyond means.

So tomorrow as with every new years eve, I will celebrate the ending and coming of a new year and like every one before that, I will also celebrate my birthday. There will be much fun, alcohol, laughs and even a few stories not worth repeating, but nowhere will I take for granted the days that are given to me and the people close to me, nor will I lose perspective on what's important.

Before Jerry left the shelter that night to go home to have dessert with his family, I said that I hope to see him again and hear how he's doing. He said "I hope I don't see you again, because if you don't see me, that means we're fine."

That got me...

I shook his hand and regretted not telling him that he is the model of strength we all should aspire to. Regretted not telling him that there's a sense of saintliness that exudes from him. I did tell him that he was a good man and his family should be proud to have him as a husband and father. He then told me "no, they are the good ones, they don't judge me or us and don't let our situation take us down, they keep my spirits up and they trust that we'll get through it."

Again, that got me...

As he walked away, I heard the faint rustle of the Twinkie wrapper in his coat pocket and shouted "enjoy dessert", he turned and said "we always do" and just as he was turning to walk away, he exhaled and winked.

Too Many Thanks

We teach kids at a very young age to be polite, wash their hands, cover their mouths when they sneeze, say hello, give a hug goodbye and always always say thank you. As they get older, they start to lose what they've been taught. As teens they sneeze and cough without covering their mouths, as adults they just take what they want without asking or saying please and the words thank you, only come out for one day a year.

Thanksgiving

You gotta love what Facebook has done for manners. I've had more people post a happy birthday on Facebook the last few years than I've had said to me in person throughout my entire life (put it this way, it's been more than 30 years). I don't even know some of the people that post on my wall!

And on Thanksgiving, everyone feels the need to list out things they are thankful for as if it's a list of todo's. No, I'm not being a curmudgeon. I am very thankful for a lot of things and as with every year and every person, we all go through our own trials and tribulations and should be thankful for things. So like Wheel of Fortune, when they throw out the most common letters S, N, T, E and R before they start, I'll throw out the most common "thanks" as well, health, job, friends, family...

But where's the balance? Where's the excitement and the other things we are thankful for? I was pretty thankful for the broken parking meter, the girl that finally said yes, homemade lemoncello, when the cashier gave me an extra $10 in change, the hole in my sock that didn't get bigger, no kids that called me daddy or came looking for child support, not getting a dirty needle when I had surgery, the public restroom that had toilet paper the day after I had taco's and being an Asian who knows how to drive.

But not everything is all unicorns and rainbows. There's always something that can be better. To balance the overwhelming thanks sent around the world this week, I've put my list of things I'm not thankful for.

TSA Agents

We get attacked by terrorists on our home field and our only answer is hourly workers more concerned over when their break time is, that my toothpaste is over its size limit and that I don't have more than two bags with me. And now we award them with a free feel-up session while we stand there half naked with our hands behind our heads, last time I was in that position I got a steak dinner out of it or had to leave money on the nightstand. No thanks to them.

Justin Bieber

There's enough reason to hate him only because he's from Canada. But in a recent concert in Boston, he had the rocks to wear a Yankees cap and Lakers jersey while performing. If the screaming pre-pubescent teen girls had enough sense to see beyond his lego hair, they would realize that he was actually making fun of them. Even Jay Z wore a Red Sox cap when he played in Boston and everyone knows he's NYC to death, but he also knows how not to shit where he eats. The turd even put lyrics in a song poking fun at Tom Brady. Does he realize that Brady is dating Giselle, a super model while Bieb's has play dates with 10 year olds that are still being dressed by their parents. No thanks.

Stop Clicking on Things

Okay, so this may be a bit hypercritical, because in order for you to be reading this, you would've had to click onto it. But if you get an email that says you can see who's looking at your profile, last longer, get a free Macy's gift card, free little Timmy or donate your eye balls to Jane stop clicking on those things. Let's say I asked you to walk down a dark alley and someone will give you a free "handy", by doing it, it's as if you clicked onto a link and all you get out of it is a virus. No thanks.

Sarah Palin

We are fascinated by watching her daughter dance and now we can't stop watching her in a reality show. Did we forget how close we were to having her as the second highest ranking leader of the most powerful country in the world? So let's give her more support now and make her really popular so if she runs in 2012 for the big seat, she might win? I'm working on my Canadian citizenship just in case. No thanks.

So what are you not thankful for? Loud cell phone talkers? Bluetooth earpiece users when they're not even on the phone? People that sing songs and don't even know the words? Ke$ha? Line cutters? Asian drivers (yes, I can say that, but you can't)?

See you in Xmas where instead of giving gifts, I'll be taking things from people I don't like.

Life, Laughter and Chicken Wings

I've had a lot of time on my hands the last few months going through three back surgeries over the course of two months. While laid up on pain killers, feeling sorry for myself and wondering if I'll ever walk without looking like I just rode a horse across the country, I had plenty of time to pontificate a lot of things. Most importantly, the most vital things that matter.

Life

We've heard all the cliches about when it throws you a curveball, when you get lemons, if it doesn't kill you or making the most of it. All easier said than done. For more than four months, I couldn't get out of bed or walk without excruciating pain shooting down my right leg. So debilitating that I would have to stop my car every 100 yards and get out to subdue the pain from sitting in the drivers seat. Believe when I say that no cliche can ever make that nightmare go away or make me feel that life is still good.

Then I had the surgeries. What was supposed to be a simple back surgery ended up to be three so called simple surgeries due to various complications. So how do you like those lemons now?

I was told to stop with the sob stories when asked how I felt. I was told that it's all mental and to stay positive. When the hospital knows you more than your own friends, there's little room in that glass for positivity.

So here I sit a day after my third surgery, trying to keep up my spirit and all I hear is the song "Break my stride" streaming through my head because I've been told to stay positive. Well enough of that BS, because positive isn't where I'm at. I'm at the corner of WTF and why me. Because enough is enough. It's no longer a pity party, it's now about putting the women and children to bed and going out to get some fuckin dinner. It's past the hour of looking up to the sky hoping for some divine intervention, but the time now is about getting off my ass and getting something done. There are no more excuses, no more reasons, no more feeling sorry for myself. It's the "if you want it done right you have to do it yourself" time.

So I've stopped the meds, force myself to work my back more than I was told and using resting as the excuse to be a loser. I'm going back to the playing field and getting back into the play and if I can't, then I'm taking my ball home.

Life isn't what you make of it, it's what you do when it kicks your ass. When things are good in health or love, we appreciate life. We see beauty in things we never would've looked at before. But when either of those go the other way, well then we blame everything but ourselves. We are human after all and why would we admit fallibility? But once you do... You'll learn a little bit about yourself and that's what life is about.

Laughter

I learned a few years ago the power of laughter. Someone infused the subtle smile and giggle into my life and its healing power was euphoric. The problem I had was that I didn't appreciate its power until the smiles were no longer and the laughter's were silent. So laugh and smile. You'll love it so much more when you realize how special they are.

Chicken Wings

At what point did someone think the arms of a chicken would become such a widely eaten and cult following? I mean, the arms of nothing else is as sacred and revered as the chicken wing. Whether fried, roasted or grilled, we all have a fascination for the chicken wing. I only add this in because to me, part of understanding life and laughter involved a large bucket of chicken wings. And after that bucket, everything was slightly clearer.

Life's Too Easy

sorry, the alarm clock never went off so i've been asleep for that last five months and never got around to writing anything. but that doesn't mean that life never happened. in fact too much of life has happened.

i was very lucky this holiday and received the nook (ebook reader) as a gift. well i haven't received it yet because it was back ordered due to its popularity but if there's something that makes you wait two months to get because it's sold out, it must be good. i thought of all the cool things i can do with this new toy. like read. and reading. and read some more. then the actuality of why i was so excited for this thing set in. i was excited because i didn't like carrying books in my bag, i felt that books took up valuable space and if you travelled as much as i did, you realize that space in a bag is worth more than the cologne weighing more than 3.4 ounces you snuck by the airport security. so to me, this new toy was going to revolutionize my travelling habit. it was going to be a gamechanger. where in reality it just said i was too lazy to carry a book. am i going to read more? i've probably finished a total of three books in the last three years, shit, i've probably finished three magazines in the last year. i have trouble finishing someones 140 character tweet.

while i was asleep for the last few months, we've seen the demise of jay leno and his "fail-proof" primetime show. in fact the amount of time it took you to read about him in this blog was just about the same amount of time his show lasted.

kudos to conan who stood his ground and refused to take a back seat to jay and move the time of his show. sure, conan isn't doing too well in that slot but let him dig himself out, don't penalize him for someone elses failures. and being successful in the late night game is few and far between, there are less than a handful that can do it and the late night graveyard of hosts spans the who's who of society. remember when carson daly was on trl and was fighting away all the hotties who wanted him, then last call with carson and now he can't even get a stripper to give him a free lap dance.

and now on a serious note. the world is buzzing about the tragic earthquake in haiti. i don't want to sit here and preach and pontificate about it but i'm amazed how society has turned into a central casting call when called upon. within hours every blog, tweet, facebook status and any soapbox someone could stand upon was flooded with well wishes. but the important thing wasn't the sympathy that was shared but the call to action that people did. most of us remember a time when we had to write a check, put a stamp on it and send our donation in and wonder if it got to where it was supposed to and supported what we intended it to support. now. just text a word to a short code and your phone bill will be billed. amazing.

as of this minute more than $3 million has been raised and the US was the first country to respond, perhaps learning from the disastrous katrina response or just having sincere compassion? either way, a call to arms was raised and we acted. this outpouring doesn't make me proud to be an american but proud to be a human being. over the next few weeks we'll hear more horror stories, see more traumatic photos and read about the tales that are happening, we'll probably have a few celebrity induced commercials and even a charity concert, those are standard fares in times like this. but i hope the speed to act is not an anomaly.

now on a not so serious topic...

nba basketball player for the washington wizards, gilbert arenas, was suspended by the league for having a gun in the locker room and allegedly pulling it out on a teammate.

this is the same player that years ago would play online poker in the locker room at halftime of games. the same one that signed a contract that still owes him in excess of $50 million, the same one nicknamed hibachi. then after this incident, he still has the balls to make a gun slinging gesture?

gilbert, you possess a god given talent to be able to put a ball into the basket, you are college educated and are in the top percentile of income earners in the country and somehow pulling out a gun at your place of employment as a joke is deemed okay? sometimes when we achieve a level of status in life the superman complex sets in. tiger can win any golf tournament he enters so he challenges himself by cheating on his wife with endless amounts of women, michael jordan used to gamble millions in vegas, so gilbert brings a gun to work. it's easy for the peanut gallery to say that if that were us we'd do this or that. but the reality is that it isn't us. the reality is that we worry about our next paycheck, we worry about our friends and family, we worry about saving for a rainy day and what we can afford and can't afford, we worry about traffic and worry about getting a dinner reservation. we wait in lines to get into clubs and no one asks us for autographs. we worry that on any given day our work day may end up with a visit from human resources with a few empty boxes. that worrying prevents us from thinking in a non-rational sense. would i give up a few limbs to be a talented athlete, of course but if that comes with sacrificing my ability to rationalize right from wrong, i'm quite alright with worrying if i'll see human resources in my office tomorrow.

that's a lot to be asleep and miss, i never really got into the tiger woods situation, new years resolution, kanye, avatar, glee or american idol.

i guess i'll take a nap and see what happens.

I'd Like To Thank...

it was a big weekend for awards and thank you speeches, on friday one of the greatest nba hall of fame classes was inducted into springfield (home of the nba hall of fame), the class included david robinson, viv stringer, john stockton, jerry sloan and michael jordan. then on sunday the mtv vma's.

in the nba induction, it had to be hard for enm (everyone not michael), his induction was so big that they couldn't hold the ceremony on site at the hall of fame and had to rent out a facility and charged $1,000 a ticket. this was the pinnacle of every ones hard work and the cherry on top of a long and arduous career and everyone was taking a backseat to michael. they knew it, michael knew it and everyone there knew it. in fact, the ceremony has never been shown on tv and this one was shown in prime time on espn. the michael factor. imagine the conversation that may have happened between john stockton and his kids:

"dad, congrats on the hall of fame, you're now among the greatest ever. sorry you never won a championship, but you are now enshrined among the gods of the game and we are very proud of you. do you know if we're going to be sitting near michael? do you think he'll sign my ticket? oh, is that charles barkley?"

then on sunday, mtv held their annual event to pretend that they still care about the art of the music video. to their defense they still do show videos. during the hours of 3 am - 3:30 am, sandwiched between the shows real world mars and i'm still a jackass, you may catch a clip of a video. ironically, the "award" show only had a handful of awards, most of them were given the standard award show disclaimer..."awards given last night at a special ceremony went to...", this allowed them to do more of what mtv does well which was everything but show music videos.

they kicked off the night with a tribute to michael jackson...warning, warning, an off subject rant about to ensue

i get it, he was great and a worldly icon, but to say that the entire night was dedicated to him and his life and to just sandwich the show with him was not a dedication. madonna was great, she's an icon as well and can probably relate to what he went through but her speech was more about her than him. the dancing was cool but the only way that anyone will celebrate him was to imitate his dancing so it really wasn't anything new. then janet came out and performed a bit of the song "scream", the only duet they did together, that was cool but the fact that they only made one song together, albeit not a great one, so it left little to get excited about. then radio silence until the end when they showed the trailer for his upcoming movie. so what was billed as a celebration of his life ended up being a 10 min song and dance in the beginning and a promotional spot for the movie? i spent more time celebrating his life loading his songs to my ipod than mtv did.

okay, i feel a lot better. back to the awards. as you all know, the first award went to taylor swift and kanye west stole the light by taking her mic and going on his own little rant on how she didn't deserve the award. jon and kate gosselin would need to release a sex tape that featured jon hooking up with lindsey lohan while kate was complaining that he wasn't doing it right to have better drama than what kanye did. kanye stole her acceptance, beyonce gave it back and taylor swift quickly became america's sweat heart and probably sold more music this week after than her entire career.

so those two events got me thinking. acceptance speeches should be an art form that are meticulously thought of, rehearsed and has meaning. this may be the only time you're on the stage where the world has casted their eyes and ears on you. you'll be lucky to have minutes of time at the podium to thank people, share your ego, show off your cleavage and say something witty. that's a lot of pressure for a few minutes. then you have to deal with emotions, not tripping while walking, the beautiful trophy girls standing behind you, the prompter telling you to hurry up, trying to act sober, forgetting to thank mom or showing sweat marks. too much pressure to be under.

then i got to thinking that acceptance speeches should be realized across all fields and throughout everyday jobs. everyone who has excelled in their field should have the chance to have the lights on them, a microphone and two minutes of utter nervousness. so i thought, what would an acceptance speech sound like at...

cable tv award show - best cable repair person

"wow, i totally didn't expect this. i wake up everyday saying that there are hundreds of people in my territory that missed out on dancing with the stars last night or had to hear about the outfit lauren conrad wore on the hills because their cable was out and it's up to me to make sure they don't miss tonight's premiere of bones. we get a bad rap for giving a four hour window of service and customers don't care what happens before i get to them, so i have to make sure that when i am there, that i give them the best cable repair i can. i'll use the better coaxial wires, change the batteries in their remote, i'll even tell them that the best hours for soft core porn are between 2 - 3 am on cinemax. i'd like to thank bob my supervisor who taught me the one handed cable cutting method that saves minutes during installation, jenny my first customer who thanked me with a ham sandwich and capri sun because i was doing her service during my lunch hour and my wife annie who has been by my side ever since we went from rabbit ears antenna to 100 hd channels and pay per view. thank you"

garbage collector awards - best dumper

"holy shit, thank you. this was not expected, i mean charlie has been on his route for more than 20 years and he is the standard that we all look to, he was the one that mastered the scoop and dump method that saves time and allows the trucks to keep moving and never stop, i'm grateful that he taught me that, charlie, this ones for you. i'd like to thank mrs. wright on summit ave, she always double bags with heavy duty liners and warns me when she puts her kitty litter in the bag so i can be more careful on how i load it into the truck. i'd like to thank mack, he's the best driver anyone can have, riding on the back of that rig isn't easy and mack knows when to speed up and slow down, when i need to hurry and when i need a break, mack you're an ambassador this and the garbage world owes you a thank you, you'll always be the best in receiving my dump. and lastly i'd like to thank my pops, it was at a young age when we were walking together and i carelessly tossed a candy wrapper on the floor and he chastised me by telling me that someone has to pick that up, you were right pop, someone has to pick that up and this ones for you."

weed award for rookie of the year dealer

"dude, way fucking cool. wow. when i was seven years old i would buy packs of gum for .50 cents and sell individual sticks for .10 each and then moved to selling sodas, then cans of beer, i knew that i had a knack for selling shit. when a friend asked me to take a toke from my j, i said sure, give me a buck first, that was when i realized that i can make money selling puffs for those that can't afford the whole j. so that led to the community j and i was making a killing on each puff which led to the multi-puff program i created that charged people $20 for a 25 puff punch card, so anytime they saw me and wanted a puff i would just punch their card and give them a puff. totally rocked out on that one. i want to thank...ha ha, dude i forgot who else i want to thank, where am i?"

cab drivers award show - driver of the year

"thank you, this is a huge honor. about five years ago i was just a girl driving my family around in my car making sure they got to where they need to get to, safe, on time and in a clean car, they would pay me in gas money and an occasional beer for the ride but i never thought that i could make a living out of it. for the last two years i became a cab driver in a male dominated world, as a female i am part of 2% of drivers that are female, with close to 50,000 cabs in nyc alone it's tough to survive. i pride myself in knowing the streets and having a fresh pine scent at all times, turning off that annoying tv that only causes motion sickness when riders watch it. i live by one motto that i recite everyday, you have an option, you can put yourself and your junk in his trunk which is dirty, smelly and don't know what else has been in there or you can get into mine which smells fresh, is clean and no matter how long we are together, you'll know that i was the best ride you ever had. thank you.

now wouldn't the world be a better place if we celebrated the best in all walks of life and give them their moment to shine and be thankful? i started to write what my thank you speech would be but i'm in the fourth hour of the four hour window waiting for my cable guy and he just arrived.