At the moment of truth

I've read that at the moment of an accident the most common phrase said is "oh shit". Think about it, if something suddenly falls on you, someone scares you, you trip, anything that disturbs your natural intention?

Kind've sad when you think about it. I would like to think that if I was about to face certain death, the last things out of my mouth wouldn't be "oh shit", there are so many other things that I would like to say or scream, but our natural reaction is to react to the immediate.

But what if you knew about the impending "oh shit" moment? What would you say? Or what if you knew that someone was about to go through that moment, what would you say to them?

We all live through life saying what is necessary to get by. If someone is mad, we say what we can to lighten up the anger and when we hit a boiling point we often ask "tell me what you want me to say and I'll say it". We know what we need to say but want that argument to end so fast that we succumb to telling them what they want to hear.

A very dear friend passed away this weekend. Our relationship hit every corner of the grid. Like with many friendships that get closer, we also became closer. At one point she used the often said and seldom true phrase - soulmates. For a few years we thought we had it all, we travelled, we laughed, we cried and we even dreamed about a tomorrow together. Then it started to unravel. We tried to make it work, we pushed the boulder up the mountain because we thought we could. We ignored the obviously signs and issues. We let the flame burn out.

For close to a year we played a vicious game of "I'm not gonna call you". With each other we erased the idea of the other, but to our friends we could never stop speaking of the other.

"The song came and went

Like the times we spent

Hiding out from the rain

Under the carnival tent

I laughed and she smiled

It would last for a while

You don't know what you got

Til you lose it all again"

She was coming home. We started talking again. We never could stop talking. The conversation picked up exactly where it left off. The dreams were fresh and new as if they were just put on pause and reassumed playing.

She wanted to start over. She wanted to prove that this time could work. She was the next state over and forced the issue to get together. Tidal waves of emotions set in. Could it be what we dreamt it to be? Or would it just be a band aid to what will never be fixed?

"Don't you worry about the distance

I'm right there if you get lonely

Give this song another listen

Close your eyes

Listen to my voice its my disguise"

Plans were made to see each other and each plan was changed. She wanted to spend her birtday with me in Boston (Jan 17), she wanted to come up for Valentines Day, more and more dates were set, none were fulfilled.

Then last weekend it happened. The "oh shit" moment.

Erin Fay was in a tragic car accident.

I was by her bedside in the last few days after the accident and finally said the things that she's always wanted to hear. Finally came to truths to the good and bad about what we had. But if we had only said this to each other years ago when it was more relevant.

"You’re in my arms

And all the world is calm

The music playing on for only two

So close together

And when I’m with you

So close to feeling alive

A life goes by

Romantic dreams will stop

So I bid mine goodbye and never knew

So close was waiting, waiting here with you

And now forever I know

All that I wanted to hold you

So close

So close to reaching that famous happy ending

Almost believing this was not pretend

And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come

So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days

If I should lose you now?

We’re so close

To reaching that famous happy ending

Almost believing this was not pretend

Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are

So close

So close

And still so far...................."

Erin, today your friends and family will say goodbye and I love you another time, some will say it for the last time. They will remember your spirit, laughter and life. For years I was there for you when you needed me, for comfort, for a shoulder, for the hug that made you feel so secure.

So before I say good bye one more time, before this moment of truth, I don't want to say "oh shit". I want you to know that your wind and light found a way to breakthrough the most fortified of defenses...me. And now that your light flickers on and off, know that you did everything the way you wanted to. You were you. No compromise, no fault, no regrets.

Now its your turn to watch over me, to be there in my times of weakness, to help me up when I fall, to kick me when I need motivation, to walk next to me to avoid having a lonely shadow.

"And I will take with me the memories

To be the sunshine after the rain

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday"

At this moment of truth....I've said the things that should've been said.